How to change yer friggin' bathroom faucet.

Tired of looking down and being disappointed?  Is your flow too slow?

Tough shit.  But we can at least help you change your nasty ass faucet.

Come with the Castulucci Bros. as we go forth on an adventure, an adventure to change the nastiest faucet we ever did see.

Follow this step by step guide, and realize your own personal pipe dream within mere minutes!

First, we have to introduce our cast.  Here we have Matt and Frank Castulucci, a file photo from a previous sink "out"-ing:

Relax: We're Professionals

Now let's have a look-see at the old faucet that once dwelled in our bathroom:

The sad part is, we thought it was dirt.  This is after a cleaning!

Obviously, the first step in improving the situation is to GET THIS FUCKER OUTTA HERE!  So get our your sledge hammer and a cutting torch, and we can be done in no ti. . . okay, that's not the way the Bros. would do it!

You're going to need some basic tools.  As far as tools go in plumbing applications, the bigger the better.  Aim to surpass the average girth, as length can go unused.  A good set of channel lock pliers (or three, as we ended up using), a basin wrench, scraper of some kind (the Bros. endorse the 8-in-One paint scraper multitool), adjustable wrench, PLENTY OF CLEANING SUPPLIES (to deal with the mess you'll undoubtedly uncover), bucket, paper towels, Screwdriver (heavy on the vodka of course - hey, plumbin' sober is NOT the way to rock it), and a RBS (Really Big Screwdriver [this time it's the tool kind]).

As far as actual plumbing supplies go, you'll need to choose a new faucet for your job.  We went with a nice, platinum edition nickel plated Moen (by Tuscany) single handle standard lavatory faucet.  You'll also need water supply lines from the wall to the faucet (in our case 3/8" compression lines - CHECK THIS BEFORE THE HARDWARE STORES CLOSE!).  We recommend the PVC base lines, as they are more flexible and last forever.  We stocked up on some plumber's putty (because that's what we do) and silicone (because that's what we like).  Teflon tape is a good idea too, but be forewarned - this stuff is precious.  Don't bust the bank - buy only as much as you will need and DO NOT WASTE IT.

Okay, now you're ready to get down to business.  For starters, you'll need that adjustable wrench handy, as you'll need to shut off the water to the faucet:

Clockwise, asshole.

Once you've shut BOTH of them off (yeah, there are two of them), you can disconnect the supply lines at the wall and at the faucet.  Be sure that Mr. Bucket is ready for some drippy drippy.

If you twist enough, you might get a little wet.

Once you've got the supply lines removed, it's time to get out the basin wrench.  It also helps if you can fit under the cabinet.

If it doesn't fit in the hole, DO NOT FORCE ENTRY!

So we sent in the little guy.

Didn't even have to grease him up first.

Use the basin wrench to get those two bolts holding the faucet in removed.

Hope that isn't too tight on the nuts, it is spring loaded. . .

Now you can gloat over the pieces you have removed.  Be sure to give 'em hell.

Part of a complete breakfast.

On closer inspection, God-Damn these things are terrible.

These images were not edited in any way.  What you see is what you get.  Go on, we'll wait until the nausea passes.

Poor Frankie.  He had to shake this out of his hair.

That's all part of the shitbiscuits.  No kidding folks.

Whatever happened to that faucet?  Matt gave it a Donkey Kong style yank, and pulled apart the drain mechanism as well.

This came from an apartment in Urbana, NOT the Statue of liberty.

Time for some celebration.  Party as hard as you can now.  This is a key step.

   
Look ma, I finally got that bastard out.

   
This one's goin' on the shelf next to my T-Ball trophies.

   
What's that white stuff?
WRONG!
It's a caked layer of mold, that was reaching some semblance of intelligence after 20 years.
BLEAH!  Wash your hands young man.

Time to get your clean on.

Who left a ring around the bowl this time?

You're aiming to make it look something like this:

So clean you could eat out of it.  But would you?

Meanwhile, we also removed the drain.  This proved to be quite a challenge for the stomach.  Also it was a pain in the ass (Matt almost ripped the entire counter out at one point)

Ever see any of those Alien movies?  Yeah, this should bring back memories.

Matt has a tender moment with the newly removed drainpipe.
Notice the pliers (he refused to touch it even when wrapped in five plastic bags).
He's still undergoing therapy.
Pray for him.

Once he got over the initial drainpipe (we had to distract him with pretty pictures and colored lights), Matt decided to demonstrate how the new drain will work.

Gently try inserting the drain plug - you must get a feel for it before daily use.

Along the way we decided to install the faucet itself.  It was held down by two retaining plates that were fastened by a nut.  Really simple stuff here.  Once we figured out how to center it, we proceeded to putty and silicone the hell out of it, not unlike the newest pop diva.

You know you want to try that handle.

Once we got that all squared away, it was time to install the new drain.  This proved to be fairly simple - Matt simply pivoted the whole counter up while Frank slammed the drainpipe home.  That was the easy part.  The fun part was installing the drain plug mechanism.  Matt busted two knuckles and cussed so loud that he got into some serious shit with the neighbors. Frank hid in the bathroom, so the landlord would not discover our prized possession before it was even operational.

This is a poorly designed mechanism.  But you must deal with it.  Remember how to put it in, as you'll most likely break it at some point.

All that remained was prettying up, and reattaching the supply lines.  By "reattaching" we mean "putting the new ones in", as the old copper ones were definitely thrown in the "Old and Busted" category.

Mmmmmm. . . modern components.

Once everything is hooked up and good to go, remove the aerator from the faucet.  Now turn the water supply back on, and let the water run for a few minutes.  The black stuff that gets spewed out would otherwise cause a premature failure of your aerator.  And Castulucci Bros. Plumbing Co. don't do nothing premature.

We torture tested the faucet, running it for fifteen minutes with paper towels spread out underneath the entire sink.  The result?

Not a drop was spilled.

May she supply us with water for years to come.